Die Toiletten in Deutschland (The bathrooms in Germany)

Many of you may be wondering where I've been for the last two months. Well, I couldn't reveal my mission at the time, but files have been declassified and congressional meetings have taken place. I can now safely announce that I was in Germany on an extensive fact-finding mission to gather important information on the lavatory infrastructure of the EU.

Okay, I was there to learn German and try out some beer. But I really did gather some interesting information which I am now going to share with you.

Travelling through any foreign country is a journey into the unfamiliar and the endevour to identify it with the familiar. Foreign bathrooms are no different.

My first encounter with the unfamiliar was in a cafe in Switzerland, a few days before I landed in Germany. After a few drinks with an old friend, I excused myself to the bowels of the building, where the bathrooms lay. After flushing, I heard a mechanical noise coming from the direction of the bowl. I turned around and saw a little plastic arm extend from the back of the toilet, above the seat. It squirted blue cleaning liquid as the entire seat began to rotate.

I have to admit I was a bit frightened, and I high-tailed it out of there as quickly as I could--after washing my hands, of course. I relayed my story to my friend at the table. He assured me that it was not the beer; that the Swiss are just very clean and conscientious people.

So, too, are the Germans. I have never seen so many clean public restrooms in my life. Every single one, even in the divey places, was acceptably clean and well-maintained.

Most of them had some kind of cleaning technique for the seat, as well. In one bathroom in Goetingen, the seat was covered in plastic. When I pressed a button on the side, the plastic sleeve slid off and a new plastic sleeve slid on.

The wonders of German innovation!

My most perplexing moment actually began two years ago, when I first visited Germany. When I reached for the handle to flush the toilet, I realized there was none. There were only two square buttons installed in the wall above the toilet, one a bit smaller than the other. I tried pressing the big one (bigger is better, right?) and the toilet flushed. So no worries. Crisis averted.

But something had been nagging me ever since. It occupied a small space in the back of my mind, pulling at my subconscious for two years. What was the smaller button for?

When I returned for a full month, I decided it was time to swallow my pride, play the role of the ignorant American, and ask. So, I asked a roommate. It turns out the smaller button flushes the toilet, but uses less water. This way, you can control the amount of water you need, conserving when you don't need a lot.

So, along with their aversion to energy-hogging clothes dryers, the Germans use water-conserving toilets. Way to be clean and green, Germany!

You get four full rolls from this blogger!

Costello's in JP

When he discovered me hanging off the couch doing impressions of Robin Williams in "My Favorite Martian" (Nanu! Nanu!), the German decided it was time to get me out of the house. So, off we went to Jamaica Plain, more affectionately known as JP, to pick up a good buddy and play some darts.

We played said darts at a wonderful local pub called Costello's on Centre St. This is a very cozy, very friendly sports bar. The food is great, and so is the waitstaff.

The bathroom, however, was anything but cozy. In fact, it was downright freezing. Everything about it suggests back-up meat locker. The room was cold, the water was cold, and the air from the hand dryer nearly gave me frostbite.

I literally froze my little tushie.

I can't really say it's cleanliness made up for the Arctic temperatures. In fact, everything about this bathroom suggested "Do your thing and get out as quickly as you can. We don't want you here."

My pal assured me that the ice men's room cometh, as well.

So, while the beer, the company, and the Hawiian pizza hit just the right spot, the bathroom left much to be desired. I thank my lucky stars I only had two beers, and I give this bathroom only two rolls.

Buff's Pub in Newton Corner

Buff's Pub won the 2009 Phoenix Boston's Best award for their famous wings, which come in several varieties. I had the hot wings and onion rings along with a generous glass of water. Can you say "fire in the hole"?

Needless to say, I eventually had to make my way to the back of this cozy neighborhood bar to use their facilities.

I must admit I was deceived on two fronts.

The first was it's double doors. I thought for sure the basic wooden door led directly into a one-toilet room. There was, in fact, a kind of foyer to this ladies room. A small anteroom lay on the other side, with another door. Had I fallen down the rabbit hole?

But no, the second door led into a surprisingly well-maintained and clean bathroom. This was the second deception. I had not expected a well-tiled floor without a speck of grime (save one spot of...yes I'll say it...blood. Ick!)

The sink and toilet were equally spotless (no pun intended), and there was plenty of everything. I could even open the door with a paper towel so as not to touch the door handle. For the second door, this wasn't so easy.

As I walked back to my table, I pondered the meaning of the bathroom anteroom. Was it a deterrent against embarrassing walk-ins? Or perhaps a waiting area to keep customers out of the way of the busy, yet friendly, waitress?

My friend and fellow editor had the answer right away: Make-out room.

Satisfied with this answer, I went back to my lip-numbing, but delicious wings, thinking to myself that this bathroom gets 3.5 out of 4 rolls on my scale.

Third Time's the Charm

Hello, folks!

I have now twice tried and failed to get this blog going. But what the hell, right? After all, the third time's the charm. . .That, and I'm currently unemployed. If I can't get it going this time, then someone please close the computer on my fingers to stop me.

So here's the spiel: I go about my daily life as a 30-something in the great old city of Boston. As I do, I stumble upon the good, the bad, and the ugly of ladies' rooms.

Now, I don't know about you, but I've found a serious lack of public restrooms (in particular, functional ones) in the Greater Boston Area. So, I have made it my mission to seek out the best of the best and tell you about them.

Like the Crusades, I have gone in, nerves steeled and colors flying, only to ride back a failure. But I promise you, not this time! This time, the blog will continue!

I'll post any interesting bathroom facts or anecdotes I might happen upon along the way. I'll also try my best to get some men's room reports, provided I can convince one of my male correspondents (i.e. boyfriend or best buddy) to report for me. This could take a few beers.

So, stay tuned for my first entry: Buff's in Newton Corner. I'll be there tonight with a full report tomorrow.